Elvis and Me: 12 Things I have in Common with the King

I recently read an article entitled Happy Birthday Elvis; 75 Things You May Not Have Known About the King. It should have been titled; 75 More Things I Didn’t Know and Didn’t Care about the King But Thanks for Telling Me Anyways.” However, after reading through all 75 items I was surprised to find out that the King and I have quite a bit in common, besides the obvious one that neither of us could sing a lick. Here are the 12 best :

1. “When Presley was 2, he wiggled out of his mother’s grip and joined the choir to sing at an Assembly of God church service.” When I was 32, I wiggled out of my wife’s grip to run away from the choir at an Assembly of God service. My brother was directing the choir, and he ran away too.

2. Sometimes Pressley would sign autographs on fans breasts; Elvis on the Right and Pressley on the left.” Incredibly, this is how I sign my autograph as well. Note to self; you should probably wait until someone actually asks for your autograph.

3. “His maternal grandmother was Jewish. He is also said to have been partly Scottish, Irish, Welsh, Cherokee Indian and French.” It sounds like his ancestors came over on a party boat. I have similar backgrounds, except for the Jewish and Indian parts. I guess my ancestors didn’t like mixing with the locals.

4. “Pressley’s 1961 hit “Can’t Help Falling in Love” is set to the melody of “Plaisir d’Armour”, an 18th-century French love song.” I wrote a song called “I Feel Sick and it’s All Because of You” set to the same French love song.

5. “Presley loved biscuit and gravy, potato cheese soup and meatloaf with mushroom gravy, but he also loved the fat-free, antioxidant-rich, very healthy beefsteak tomato.” As a matter of fact, I also love the fat-free, antioxidant-rich, very healthy beefsteak tomato. I just never eat it. I do eat biscuit and gravy, potato cheese soup and meatloaf with mushroom gravy.

6. “Presley’s movie idol was Tony Curtis, who had black, shiny hair.” I also love black, shiny hair on my movie stars, though I prefer it on women like Jane Seymour. To each his own.

7. “Although Presley was honored by his commanding officer for his “cheerfulness and drive and continually outstanding leadership ability” some Presley insiders felt that his time in the Army tamed him too much.” My insiders tell me that they feel the same way about my time in the Cub Scouts. It was only two weeks and my commanding officer was my mother, but I’ve never been quite the same rebel ever since.

8. “Presley used Miss Clairol 51 D hair dye, called Black Velvet.” I also use Miss Clairol; 58X, called Grey Mange.”

9. Viewers in the United Kingdom did not see the worldwide “Aloha From Hawaii” special because the BBC refused to pay the price for the 1972 concert. I also refused to pay the price, and was thus spared from this entertainment typhoon. God Save the Queen.

10. Presley’s karate name was Tiger.” Mine was Tiger Lily.

11. “Presley had a pet turkey. He named it Bowtie.” I also had a pet turkey. I called it Leftovers.

12. “The first post-death spotting was in Kalamazoo, Michigan, where a mother of five told the Weekly News that she saw him in a grocery store and a Burger King.” I’ve also been spotted by a mother of several children in both a grocery store AND a Burger King. What are the odds? Of course, my appearances weren’t post-death (though I haven’t checked the obits lately) and the woman with the kids was my wife. Still, the coincidences send a shiver down my spine.

Since there were so many ways we were alike, I figured I could be able to do the “Royal Pelvis”, the kind of movement Elvis was famous for. The instructions were listed with the article.

First, Start with a sneer on your face, kind of like a snarl, flare the nostrils. No problem, I’ve had a sneer on my face for 40 years, ever since they replaced Diana Rigg on the Avengers.

Second, Twitch the Head. I’ve got a little twitch there already.

Third, Spread the Legs Wide. Ouch, that hurts.

Fourth, Point the knees inward. Being bowlegged kind of works against this.

Fifth, Start tapping the right foot. I think I can hear it tapping, can’t quite see it.

Sixth, Twist legs and snap a knee. That just happened on its own.

Seventh, Rise to the base of your feet and raise an arm. Oops, I’m starting to go down!

Eighth, Wiggle, grind and bump hips. I just bumped my hip on the coffee table, is that close enough?

Ninth, Make body jerk and quiver. These are the symptoms I’m describing to the 911 operator.

Tenth, Swing guitar wildly. This is what I’d do if my evil twin Elvis were actually here.