Words You Shouldn't say in Church

I think the number one word you shouldn’t use in church is orgasm.
It’s not that we never talked about sex in the church I used to attend, it was just that it was always in a rather poor context. Oh, they would say the obligatory “Sex is a gift from God” but they would spend the rest of their time exhorting you to never ever want to give this gift to anyone other than your spouse. Even if your spouse didn’t particularly want it, you couldn’t offer it to anybody else. You couldn't even wish that you could offer it to someone else.

The time to have this discussion was in your typical monthly men’s meeting, where traditionally the talk always turned to sex, just like it used to in the locker room in high school. Only this time instead of some putz bragging about his prowess with somebody else’s wife he was confessing it. Or, more times than not, confessing about how he WANTED to do it with some beauty from the church, or, heaven forbid, some worldly beauty.

Pastors in evangelical churches like the one I was a part of get their validation from the altar call where, after delivering some mind-blowing, lightning-flashing-in-the-sky sermon, the poor convicted listeners are invited to come forward and rededicate themselves to God and his mysterious ways. To be honest, most sermons are more mind-numbing than mind-blowing, unless you are thinking of blowing a fuse. There is no more pathetic sight than to see God’s man standing like the Statue of Liberty imploring the poor, the wretched, etc. to come forward, only to be met by a mausoleum-like stillness. When that happened it was always time to play the trump card; lust.

If you wanted to get some guy feeling guilty you talked about lust. “If any man looks upon a woman to lust after her in his heart, he has committed adultery with her already.” This may be the one thing Jesus said that everyone remembers. It pretty much covers a good part of a guy's day, so by the time the preacher got through painting some rather uncomfortable pictures in your mind, the altar was full. The only ones who didn’t come forward were either lying (maybe they were still enjoying those mental pictures) or gay. Or married to a former Playboy model (the church was always packed when she gave HER testimony). There was one pastor who wouldn't take no for an answer and preached a sermon which said there were times when you could actually be lusting after your own wife, so even the playboy bunny’s husband felt the hook.

But in all these sermons and men’s meeting I never heard the word orgasm used. Until I used it. Not at a men’s meeting but at a meeting with an elderly couple from another church.

My wife and I were there to discuss the possible use of an abandoned church building for some purpose, the details of which have been forever removed from memory. The old couple asked questions of our intentions, gave us a history of the building’s use (I think it was abandoned because it had died of boredom many years earlier), and mostly concentrated on this physical structure they kept calling a church, even though no actual people had sat in it for some time.

It was at this time I decided to exhibit my superior spiritual knowledge to these two old windbags, and proceeded to explain that the church is the People, not the building. I wanted to express that the real church, as stated clearly in the Bible, was not a structure made from wood, but a living, spiritual ORGANISM of flesh and blood. Only I forgot to add the NI. Maybe it was because my wife and I were young and newly-married that I wasn’t my usual eagle-eyed focused self. Whatever the reason, I very clearly and loudly trumpeted in my superior spiritual voice that the church of God was a living, breathing spiritual ORGASM.

Now, if that were true maybe people would go to church more often than Christmas and Easter. When the pastor proclaimed that; “He is Risen” the women would start looking at their husbands. But fortunately for me, the couple didn’t even pick up on it, probably because they had zoned me out a long time ago. MY WIFE, however, heard me plain as day and she was turning a Rainbow Coalition of colors trying not to laugh. My mind went completely blank, I literally couldn’t remember what I was talking about. Since they weren’t paying attention anyway it didn’t matter, but I don’t think I had another coherent thought for at least an hour after we left. My wife, on the other hand, had lots of coherent thoughts to share with me, which she did, interspersed with thunderous laughter at my expense.

The moral of the story is that there are certain words that you shouldn’t use in church except in the proper context, and others that are better left unsaid. It is alright to talk about lust in the church, but don’t go all the way to orgasm.