Ghost Bluster

Oh my God! Did you hear that? It sounded just like footsteps coming down the hallway! It's late at night, I'm alone in a dark house, and I'm hearing footsteps coming towards my door. Either it's a prowler, or a manifestation of a former inhabitant of this old farmhouse, coming to pay me a visit.

Or maybe it's my fat cat. He just came waddling into the room, and when he waddles it sounds just like footsteps. A horse's footsteps. That cat needs to do some serious aerobics, more than running in the direction of his food dish every time I pass within sight of it.

I was thinking about ghosts because my sons are really into Ghost Hunters, a show where former plumbers investigate things that go bump in the night, or at least go bump in your bathroom. Considering what plumbers make, the ghost business must be pretty lucrative these days to get them to leave it. But then, compared to unclogging someone's septic system, trolling for spirits is pretty easy. Especially since they don't ever find any.

This last point has been the subject of some pretty interesting debates between my sons and myself. Now, before we go too much further, let me say that I would LOVE to be a ghost hunter, as long as I didn't have to work with the losers on their international edition. They all look like the type of kids who got locked in their school lockers by the jocks. You'd think they'd be used to the dark.

Anyway, it would be great to go through all those neat old houses, prisons and mental institutions. I just don't think you'd ever find anything other than the occasional rat or wino. My boys seem to think they find some pretty interesting phenomena, but I'm not convinced. I watched at least five episodes before I saw anything that I would say was even remotely convincing. And that was pretty suspect.

The plumbers were sitting in a room with a flashlight on the floor near them. The person in the room asked whatever spirit might be nearby to turn on the flashlight as a sign. As a sign of what, I wasn't sure; that the ghost wasn't a moron and could push a button? Ghosts seem a little unimaginative to me; all you see or hear from them is the occasional banging of a cupboard or the opening and closing of creaky doors. Maybe that's what hell is; you're assigned to spend eternity in an old house, opening and closing doors and cupboards. But then again, that pretty much describes a good part of my day, so maybe I won't mind being a ghost.

Anyway, the flashlight came on, right on cue. The trouble was, they greeted this with all the excitement of someone who had won a dollar on the lottery ticket he just paid two bucks for. This was actual physical evidence of a conversation with a ghost, and they treated it like they'd just taught their dog to roll over. Maybe they've taught lots of ghosts to do lots of tricks, but this was the first one I'd actually seen on the show.

It reminded of a trick, excuse me, a MIRACLE I once witnessed. A group from our church had gone to a miracle service by some big name evangelist, and he cured a blind man during the service. At least the guy said he had been blind, and now he could see, but judging from his reaction you would have thought he had been cured of post-nasal drip. He was kind of happy, but I guess he had more important stuff to get back to. The evangelist hollered; “Well, if you're not going to get excited, I AM!” I'm guessing the blind guy might have gotten a cut in pay after that. But several from our group, including our pastor, would swear on a stack of bibles (which we kept in the van so they'd be handy for such things) that they saw a miracle. People see what they're looking for.

Now most people dismiss me as just a skeptic, which I am, but I'm a skeptic who has actually seen a ghost. This was no shadow down a hallway in some dark, deserted building, it was in my bedroom in a modern apartment building, and my wife was sleeping soundly right next to me. I was aware of someone entering the room; it was so real that I was sure someone had broken in. I couldn't move or speak, I could only watch as the thing moved slowly past the end of the bed. I say moved since it was hovering and moving slowly. I got a real good look at it. It was wearing some kind of uniform with a strange fez-like hat. It moved along the foot of the bed and eventually floated through the wall, leaving me in a still paralyzed, speechless condition. I was glad that I was paralyzed because I think I would have wet the bed. Even if I could have spoken it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask him to switch on the light, maybe because it was light out. (It was a Sunday, alright? I was sleeping in). It was a full five minutes before I could move or speak. But I didn't say to my wife; “guess what honey, I just saw a Shriner's ghost. That was kind of cool. ”

So when I see some Roto-Rooters wandering around in the dark, jumping at every little sound crying “What was that?” I don't flinch. Turn the lights on guys, it'll be easier to see. Or get Casper to do it for you. When you find something give me a call.